A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeep gives it to him and says "that'll be $15."
A few minutes later while making conversation the barkeep says "We don't get many gorillas in here."
The gorilla says "At these prices, you won't get many more, either!"
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Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the barkeep. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "so thats... one blood and one blood lite..."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yeah, I'm positive..."
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A guy walked into a bar, and ordered a beer. As he drank the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice shirt!" Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the back of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "great tie".
At this, the man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things to me, and there's not a person in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," said the bartender.
"What?"
"You heard it right," said the barman. "It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."
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A little pig walked into a bar. He drank a couple of beers, then got up to leave. He asked the bartender, "Which way to the bathroom?" He answered, "Go down the hall, first door on your left." The pig went to the bathroom and left.
The next day another little pig came into the bar. he also had a few beers, and asked the bartender where the bathroom was. Again, He told him, "Go down the hall, first door on your left." Again, he went to the bathroom and left.
This went on for another few weeks. One day a pig walked in. he had a few beers, but he got up and started to walk out. The bartender stopped him and asked, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?"
The little pig replied "No...I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
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A snake slides into a bar and the barman says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The barman says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
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A guy walks into a bar with his 12 foot tall giraffe. They begin to drink and get very drunk.
After about a dozen drinks, the giraffe stands up and then falls over. Then his drinking friend stands up as well, pays his bar bill and starts to walk out of the bar. The bartender shouts, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' here!"
But the man replies, "That's a giraffe, not a lion!"
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Two peanuts walked into a bar,one was a-salted...
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A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the dude who shot my paw..."
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A shrimp walks into a bar, and the barman says, "I'm sorry, ... but we don't serve food here..."
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A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
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A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the barman says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Kevin?!"
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."
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A guy walks into a bar. "ouch!" he said.